looking at iL's mail, i've suddenly realised how i've changed. it's so scary, and i cant stop crying.

what had happened to me? wasnt i always so rational? wasnt i always so just? since when did i got so superficial? since when did i got so tipped-headed??!!!

pls. dun say how sensible, how strong i've been all this while. im not sensible at all! im not strong at all! i need someone to listen to me too. i need a shoulder to cry on, to listen to me cry too. why was i always dun dare to cry infront of others? why cant i be like other ppl, be true to themselves and cry as and when they like? i dun like to hide, but i felt a need to. why is it so??!!!! why is it that i am so afraid to show my weaknesses to others?

i've always lied to myself. lied to myself for so long. about what a strong girl i am. always prepared and able to take whatever it comes. but im lying. that makes me a liar right? im not as perfect as i seemed. even if grace and others said how princess im, so lady-liked, etc, but deep down, i know, im not.

im trying to be very honest with myself now. im extremely afraid and frightened of myself now. what have i become? how have i changed?? do i always have to live in ppl's expectations?? i've live in that far too long.

-pEiShi-

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