she's feeling sad. all because of that *********. kinda dislike him for being wishy washy. what does he really want? cant he be more precise and straightforward? lousy guy. yup yups. mh must be feeling *xing teng to see me scolding him. but i more xing teng my best friend okay? so mh, be strong. =)
hmm. how did it end up being her consoling me? haa. you see... we talked for about more than an hour. and suddenly brought up being used to something. xi guan. and i told her xi guan doesnt mean that the wound wun tear up someday. and suddenly, i felt my wound tearing... i missed my grandfather. and of course, i cried. terribly. like a small kid. gosh. feel like crying when typing this entry. =(
i thought i was xi guan to not having him around. like we went to kuantan, we went through yi's marriage registration. but, he wasnt there with us. he didnt get to see his beloved daughter getting married. he wun get to enjoy the joy of family again. he didnt get to see his grand-children for the last time. we didnt get to say goodbye to him. we didnt get to hug him for the last time. we cant talk to him anymore. it's so heartbreaking. it's was only like 2 days earlier that we just came back from new year holiday with him. we were enjoying ourselves happily for new year. we even had a new year trip. but 2 days later. what happened? he's gone! and it's still within the new year period. he's gone forever.
i didnt want to think that he's gone after his funeral. i tried to numb myself and stop thinking about it. but it just came back to me suddenly that i realise my grandfather is not going to be there for us anymore. the lively, strong and knowledgeable grandfather. so xi guan is not a good thing. when it comes back to you, it will hit you like you've never felt before. i miss him dearly. i cant imagine im still crying after so long. maybe not that long. it's his 100th day this week. everyone tried to hold back their tears when we went back to the place that we last went with him during the new year trip. and even stayed in the same room. i wish i could reverse time.
so, mh ended up consoling me instead. im sad. wish that he's there.
-pEiShi-
